SONATA WORLD NEWS

incorporating

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Sonata Worlds Report 13 Aug 2009 Race 18. A bit biased from homme trios avec names. Ed.

EXCLUSIVE REPORT RACE 18

Simply Alto simply put 5 of their finest, stoutest, crew on board – in hope of a gale o’wind - and drifted up and down to the obvious delight of their fan club on the shore. Resplendent 3 “red cootes rampant” with what looks like a copulating frog or maybe a brake fluid stained battle flag. How they laughed when the abandonment flag went up. Equal first with the best of the fleet and closing the gap on the trophy. The Cootes are well placed to be 3^rd in the World this year. Not a bad result for a new racing team in their first season.

St Tom & Blues Breaker had serious intent. One more win would secure the coveted…. so the undersides (cannot use the vernacular as it may cause excitement in some quarters) were carefully defoliated by expert divers prior to the start. Our reporters caught sight of free range egg whites being beaten in 45 gallon oil drums and smuggled aboard to be ‘applied’ to the nethers of this speed machine……. Sails were stowed neatly as the boat powered out of the harbour and took tidal, wind direction, and wind force readings…….. the engine, now bereft of fuel, was shipped. They then made a proud show of sailing around in ‘no wind’ to the obvious joy of the race officer who promptly postponed the race.

A piano! players knew there was no wind and no tide and the direction of the non existent wind was but a bagatelle so they “chuffed about” practicing flying kites and silky float drops with Lady Eleanor on the foredeck. The crew were issued Ray-bans, swimmys, Ambre Soliare and salt tablets. Because of un-characteristic diligence the wine cellar had been cleared that very afternoon to reduce weight – just when a couple of bottles of Bollinger would have had it’s attractions…

No dolphins showed up. The vast crowed of Snotty Good Time Gals, dancers and soothsayers on Battery Gardens were joined this week by the newly formed Mozart Heavy Drummers. The syncopated, Afo- Yankee styles sent booming shock waves over the tranquil bay, disturbing the still air and rippling the sea. The RO, an expert in “sniffing wind” was reportedly be be be beside himself with frustration….

At that same time, somewhere in a field outside Bridgewater “the pippin” was spotted by Snotty twitchers stalking in tall grass with binocs, notepad and a kodak. He seemed to be ‘doing a recky’ on a new Sonata 7 with a price tag of 35,7000 GBp. A reliable old sauce told your correspondent that he is trying to corner the market in pre loved hulls so he can make a killing on the Sonata Market….. see last weeks report by T Savuage in the Times. Insiders say his crew have been measured for bespoke sailing costumes, each style in three colours, and he needs 3 boats to match and a spare boat in each colour – obviously.

The RO, who is always nameless and blameless, postponed the start and waited till the languid, lovely, gentle breeze fell to nought. Ms M Reads (name and sex data protected) wisecracked about Caribbean squalls coming in from distant Torquay……how we laughed ….. he was last seen waving a race-abandoned flag as he legged it towards the BYC bar at 7:30pm.

A a piano! crew member, Anna Chrystie, (star of music stages around the South Hams and available for barn dances, barmyitzffers sic etc.) made the only positive contribution to the night by waving from the point and keeping Bottyburb’s signature stink to leeward of the fleet.

Thus the SWSII is poised for a nail biting finish that even slightly squiffy, Tory politicians could not have engineered on a slow news day. If the last two races happen, and if St Tom wins just one race, Blues Breaker, the current world champions, retain the trophy, otherwise……. Watch this space…

Result –

Simply Alto – Joy

A piano! – Despond

Blues Breaker – in pole position as usual.

NB. Such is the heightened serioucity of the WSSII finale that teams Toyota, White Horse and R have employed Ryanair consultants to weigh their crews and discard un necessary baggage such as undies, underarm/***** hair, spats and berets.

NIGHTMARE AS RACE ABANDONED

How oft in fields of green I sit

Amongst the cow pats, poo and shit……….That’s enough. Ed.

“It was the worst of times and it was the worst of times…..” said Chas Dickens who was obviously seriously happy at the time……….. better, but get on with it. Ed.

I’m falling and no one is going to catch my falling into that black abyss and now it is all dark and I’m in limbo and it is very quiet….St Thomas appears in ethereal brilliant robes with his femme fatale acolyte crew and Blues Breaker Sonata World Series II yacht speed managers, fin designers, bankers, lawyers and Teflon coated, booted, suited, toadies….. and I’m now tumbling down a very small tunnel with a bottom and I am not on my bottom and the bottom of the well is very near to my face all the time that I am falling towards the bottom of the well on my face….. and I begin to think is this a dream……but shards of flesh are being ripped off bits of my tidy Linley-Shaw body and it b***dy hurts…. and I realise this is not a dream – this is the end of the dream I have had for 40 years. The dream of winning the finest yacht trophy on the planet – the Sonata World Series Trophy……. I hit the bottom and go into a deep untroubled sleep.

Look “west the land is bright”…..there are still two races left and a piano! is only two points behind. This is the stuff of Biggles, Dan Dare , Sopwith Camels, Spitfires, slightly desperate Dan, Corky the cat? and people called Winston……. If a piano! was to win the very last two races the trophy will be theirs. Hope strings infernal. Look on my works and despair…

I am again wide awake. The sweet earthy smell of fresh turnip. Note: must revisit Poland.

Sorry - our normal correspondents, O Wild, God and W Shakespier are away on business. Ed.

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