SONATA WORLD NEWS
incorporating
SONATAS
EXCLUSIVE
REPORT
EXCLUSIVE
STORY on the opening ceremony of
THE MAGNETIC
ATTRACTIONS OF SONATAS – Exclusive scientific mystery uncovered in
Further to the last exclusive report of fun yacht racing in Torbay, our scientific correspondent Mr Faraday, sends us electrifying news of a new magneto- electric phenomenon observed upon the magical waters of Torbay. It is well known that like poles repel and unlike poles attract, but now it seems that SWS-II entrants have developed their own version of magnetic attraction and applied it to their fine water borne devices known as sonatas, or “snottiies” for short. Despite a seeming lack of metal in their construction, the cunning SWS-II’s have modified the big lumps of cast iron suspended beneath their craft into massively attractive constructions. This has been so successful that at the last attempted fun race, no less than four boats were attracted to close proximity at the start, and subsequently a “elf and saffy” near miss was recorded at the second windward mark as 3 boats (BB.,AP and SA) were all attracted to the same piece of water just to the North of a big yellow bouy.
The evidence for this new “attraction” phenomenon is further reinforced by shore side observers in the premier fishing port of Brixham noting that a 4th “snottie” has appeared close to the existing 3 in the moorings area of the outer harbour. Totnes residents are now replotting and extending the exact positions of ley lines, (which yachties have always known to exist as lay lines), onto the charts of Torbay to determine if the new found attraction is as auspicious as some of their well known and accepted miffs and leg ends believed to emanate from the centre of their land based universe. SWS-II spokesperson and aquatic mole, known as “Big Dave”, confirmed that on the day in question, close inspection of the Brixham harbour seabed directly under a well known “snottie” revealed clear line like impressions in the mud leading directly to two other “snotties”. Asked how and why he was under water at this location and on that same Fried day, he was observed guiltily hiding a large sponge behind his back clearly polluted with black antifouling. Our independent scientific advisors have ruled out the possibility of underwater application of attractive paint, and believe the removal of existing paint from “snottie” bottoms may alter the total electrostatic charge on these small craft sufficiently to add to the observed magnetic attractions.
This man is clearly bonkers. Ed.
Sonata Race Start.
Results.
This is a fun event to support the RNLI so there are no winners but a piano! did get to the finish line before any other Sonata…
*A traffic
warden on Furzeham Green spotted the parking offence and St Tom will be issued
with a £35 fine which increases to £70 (obviously) if
he pays late – interest is quite a lot over base rate.
Msr Le Oiseau
will be sent a caution as he was deemed not to be in control of his vessel…..
EDITOR'S NOTE (Reply below received, in answer to the libelous accusation above)
Coote quacks underwater – I think he doth protest too much?
I resent the implication that quote" Msr Le Oiseau was to be castigated for not having his craft under control". As an expert and long time served control and instrumentation engineer, actively engaged in the critical nuclear industry, I can assure you that I never lose control, or allow situations to develop where anything is not under control. At no time have I ever mislaid or lost a control system. Neither have I at any time operated any system, boat or otherwise, that did not have a means of control, and thus have always operated "under control". I may at times have operated controls in such a fashion as to appear to be exceeding performance or operating limit parameters, but always with the control system in service. Thus I am appealing against this montrous libel regarding loss of control, but am willing to accept advice and guidance from purveyors of BB anti-collision avoidance electronic systems, providing they meet the safety and performance requirements of BS:EN 61508:2002, Functional safety of electrical/electronic/programmable electronic safety related systems!
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I forwarded the above to the parkin’rozzers…… their reply is enclosed…….
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24 Aug 2009
Dear Msr Le Oiseau,
Re: Incident at the windward mark where our traffic warden concluded that you lost control of your craft.
We have examined your testimony and conclude that you were in control of the Sonata at all times and therefore guilty of stopping in a restricted zone. The “no stopping or loading area” is clearly marked by a very large yellow buoy anchored to the sea bed off Elberry.
Our caution is therefore retracted and you will be fined £70.
No appeal procedure is applicable in this case.
Your Humble Servuant,
Mr Nobkoff,
Traffic Gestapo
The Circus
Clown Hall
Torquay
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Court restrictions make reporting impossible but this will not stop your SWSII correspondent from making something up. S L-S