Saturday 1 Aug 2009.

Roundup of today’s News. Shock news - Schumacher will not be joining the Sonata Worlds – he’s only fit for f1.

Crew of Sonata Bottyburp poached by a Barcelona syndicate – “I always wanted to sail in Italy” he’s reported to have explained. BSO crew arrested for wearing loud shirts in a built up area after 11pm.

Teignmouth based ‘dragon’, Rix (Cocksy) Cox set to enter the SWS with a brand new Sonata – the renamed -FAB 4 should be in action in Dartmouth Regatta – new sailing instructions will be published by the Royal Dart Pub Committee.

Tempers flare in Geneva as new Sonata World Series flag is unveiled in camera – wild scenes in totally blackened room – surreal touchy feely pressing conference – “the new flag is lumpy and smells of fresh voles” said an insider. In a hopeless TV ratings battle the (so called) Ashes were delayed today to clash with the 16th sonata World race.

Berni Ecclescake and Lord Black seen going 3 rounds in the kitchens of Buck House for the TV rights which are to be auctioned at the month end.

Asked about his views on yachting Oasis star tells me to f*** **f or he would do my f******** head in.

Roger Moore as St Tom and John Cleese as Cootie said to be signed up for a Bollywood Musical –Big Sonata Billionaires or The 3 Sonateers. Homme avec trois noms still to be cast but DeCaprio/Brad Pitt/Johnny Deppe in serious talks with Scorsese.

Sonatas linked to babe magnets, burnt toast and genital warts. Tight lipped man with 3 names said “mmm…mmmm….nnnn” when confronted with these rumours

That’s were we cut it off …..Ed.