SONATAWORLDS X MASS ENCYCLICAL PRESS RELEASE 2009

Incorporating PUBLISHED IN UK 17 OCT2009LINLEYPRESS TYPETWO FACED SPONSERED BY BOLLINGER, STANNA AND ZIMMER. SYNDICATED THROUGH THE WORLD – NOT USA OBVIOUSLY

Snotimes. Snot Rag. and Zimmer Offshore Yachting

See STOP PRESS page 2 – The editors desk is not collapsing under feedback from you gallant skippers.

Howdee floks…

We are pulling out all the stops to bring you up to date news. Soon this organ will be available to a waiting world on a dedicated website capable of running at an estimated 2 billion hits per minute on Thursday evenings. Sonataworldseries.org (catchy it is not) is being built by Mr Corbett and is sponsored by dryhomes.net

What happened was….do not adjust you set…Terry Wogan - I missed you this morning but you can’t stay lucky forever …. …..

Put the sound to ON and Control+Click worth a little wait. Tee Hee

this space for instant mirth

Wasn’t that fun?

A massage from our sponsors:

If it came in a tin the tin would have written on it “it does what it says on the tin” and if you were to open this imaginary tin, that it doesn’t come in, inside the tin would be nothing but dryness…….spooky…

Christmas cracker joke ..Why does a football stadium have such a great atmosphere? Because it’s full of fans!

Dear deer,

My ministers will halve taxes and double spending during the rest of my rein.

I, and the magnificent 7 will be pulling Santa off till he’s red in the face during our whirlwind tour of UK on the evening of the 24^th Dec. The Euro sherry lake will be emptied and anyone found not mincing about with pies will be shot. Money saving tip : buy Don Darias shares and make a modest killing. That lead deer is already pixillated! Thanks to the Copenhagen agreement I will be allowed to shine only one LED inside my nose powered by methane which will be collected during the journey in eco- friendly, hand-crimped paper bags lashed to me mates bottoms ( a misnomer as they are on the rear, bums is very rude I think and arses, though more accurate, is too Anglo Saxon for most tastes so bottoms is very acceptable. Compromise with the Latin anus if you will but no mention of sphincters please. Sub Ed) Now. Where was I? Oh yes, Dear Deer comma open quotes My husband and I…….

Your advert could be here…

They say advertising doesn’t work but look – you are reading this – now don’t say you’re not because it’s too late. You are hooked. Are you in denial? Look away now. See, you can’t do it. To book this space call me in Nigeria and send your bank sort code and account number and your inherence of £2.5 million will be posted to any charity of your choice. Honest Roben Hoodi. Lagos 0225648975316543648

Next year St Tom de Furze, Lord Webbo and Tined Rice are to write an hilarious pantomime Dick Wits Pussy for the amusement of the members. It will be performed in BYC, by the Sonata Amateur Drama & Operatic Society (SADOS) around Christmastide and move to the West End running alternately with the Moose Trap before a world tour. Simone Cowbell is so concerned he is demanding that the X factor schedule be moved so as not to go head to head with this production. He “respects competition”- he would say that if I bothered to give the carbon monoxide of publicity.

Page 24 Beach shots

Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, But to be young was very heaven!

Will Wordsworth

Breaking News from your not waving but despondent:- Waves were reported to be breaking on the Brixham breakwater yesterday. Freak conditions are being linked to diabolical global weather patterns – see page 24 for full report including candid beach photos.

Safety is paramount – edited from a RACING IN FOG correspondence from earlier in the week.

Dear RYA,

I have been concerned for some time about the safety of sailing yachts racing during a thick pea souper. As safety officer (self appointed) for the Sonata World Series we are to adopt a proactive approach to this tricky problem.

All race marks are to have self generating noise devices fitted. These will be mark specific – Mark A will be a cow bell, B a MOO MOO wind turbine, C is to be Tibetan wind chimes or a wave driven high-hat and so on and so forth.

In the case of Sonata races no one else is allowed in the racing zone so other collisions are unlikely.

The shores are easy to locate – a yelpin’ , a hollerin’ and a whoopin’ from the campsites and vantage points of thousands of devoted fans tells all navigators where the land lies.

Each yacht is to have its own starboard tune – as long as no one picks “ there may be trouble ahead” all should be well. The standard port tack tune is “there may be trouble ahead” obviously

The elegance of the system is its simplicity – the 3 switched tracks-on-tacks © pendulum will switch music automatically and if there is no wind the boats and the music will stop thus ensuring perfect safety.

The same system could be adopted for all ocean racing where keeping a look out is suspended for the duration of each race – what is the RYA’s position regarding this safety initiative?

Dear Linley-Shaw, Seems like you have covered all the bases. Is drink allowed on Sonatas by any chance?

St Tom’s letter to the Corinthians

15 Dec 2009AD

As the knights become longer and fatter I have had time to reflect on those heady days when I sailed amongst you with my acolytes and the charming man with three crew.

My dear, dear children of the sea ……Last night a vision came unto me …a small figure in a bunker is chiselling runic ciphers on tablets of granite ….. new laws, locked deep within the stone, are emerging on its surface….. I see the stones being carried up a hillside named Battery Gardens and taken unto a higher place…..fever took my body - the vision is clearing again – lets try the tea leaves… its the runes, the runes……. from this day 4^th Sonatas are banished from all things Corinthian. ……Sonatas have been specially selected by the hand of the mighty and are destined to wander the oceans 5 minutes ahead of all Corinthian yachts for evermore …. but He who devizeth the commandments (see photofit) has decreed that Sonata racers will not get any prizes.

My little chums, you will at first be shocked and then angry, the urge to strike, to rail, to hunt sack cloth may o’ertake thee but fear not. All will be well. The tiny group of snotties, cast upon the shores of Brixham, are delighted.

Why? I hear you cry unto me! Because it is not the prizes that matter. Lo. Are we not still Corinthians at heart. It’s all about winning of course…..have a great Christmas and best wishes from your little Sonata cousins…..

This missive may be delayed due to the wrong kind of fog (see can’t see the problem page) in the Aegean

St Tom. No reply so far – can they read?

___________________________________________________________________

STOP PRESS –

Does anyone recall an e-mail asking for numbers and comments on the AGM?

Thanks to Linley-Shaw(2) Inness(2) Corbett(2) Sprakley(4) Coote (0) Graham of simply(1) Kat (2?) that’s 8 replies. Mike Inness gets full marks for speed and being the only one to agree to a buffet!!!

I know it’s a busy time what with attending all those luvly Xmas lunches and decking the Halls etc but really

There is an impasse at BYC. The RO’s dinner with up to 120 guests and our AGM are booked on the same night 22 Jan 2010.

We have options – there being only 13 coming so far –

• Cancel or postpone?
• Move the date (this allows webmaster Tim to go to the RO bun fight)
• Find another venue?

Mr Big and associates are finding it hard to fight for 22^nd Jan 2010 without any feedback ammunition. …… quiet frankly boys and girls I can’t push string – it’s up to you if we want an event. I’LL KEEP THE THING IN LIMBO FOR A FEW DAYS and mail when I have your input. Thanks - Steve Linley-Shaw

LOGS R US

Ships log Stardate Christmas – set the controls to he heart of the sun and beam me up….best avoided by anyone with a pallet or over 4 years old……may contain nuts.

Typical log used on the very fastest Sonatas, this model weighs in at 56 kilos and fits neatly on the pushpit. Can be fitted in a jiffy…phone Mark

From the Musée de la Marine, Paris.

Yule log being burnt in the capacious aft cabin on apiano! during the cold snap at Dartmouth regatta race 3 when we had to dry Emily out…

List of all Sonata skippers found guilty of flipping and fiddling in 2009 –

FLAGGING UP NEW IDEAS. Flick this up to the ceiling and see what comes back…the fleet needs a battle flag…but no one will ever agree on what it shall look like.

Maybe we could start with this simple format and allow each boat to have it’s own design? As long as the SWS was say 8” high the rest of the area can be as creative as you wish. To be used for racing and when appropriate. Maybe crew shirts?

Page 23. EDUCATION SUPPLEMENT. 68% of UK children at age 11 are able to read and do elementary maths. That leaves 32% who can’t add up or rite proper. I blame the children and JORDAN . You can count on Jordan but only up to two. They just wannabefamus beonTV and stayinajungle – I’ll give ‘em jungle. It was not like this in my day. Glad I’m not alive to see this, this, this disgrace…. A Nutter RN Ret. Dartmouth

Swine fever update – no swine fever – see “What’s up Doc?” and Astrology supplement Detailed design of the Tackotune digiswinger © Copies can be downloaded …from there

AGM agenda.

No new rules.

Suggestions.

· Flag and shirts idea – bulk buying.

· Tuning guide – boat preparation workshop

· Crew training with RYA coach

· Buddy system for new owners to short cut learning

· Recruitment of new sailors – crew requirements

· Trained crew may be on call for any boat – bank system

· Web site used to keep crews up to date

· Fog safety – shall we adopt the tackotune?

· Joint venture BYC to advertise for new sailors.

· Contact local press – open day in April

· Race discards – must be considered.

Time for a minced pie and a nice cuppa

A happy new year and don’t forget to write – Ed.