Sonata World Series II, Race 15, 23rd July 2009-07-24

Conspiracy theorists and fashionistas rarely combine in the real world, but as previous reports of this fascinating battle of minds, wits, boats and sails, have proven, anything goes in the world of Sonatas. After a false start on Monday, when the whole SWS-II fleet was hijacked by a load of young pretenders, who took tiller controls from the experienced skippers and showed them how young talent can improve performances, the fleet gathered to do battle against themselves and the not inconsiderable elements last Thursday evening.

The first surprise was a definitely not Sonata shaped projectile, masquerading under an “S” name, who came thundering through the gathering fleet just before the real race start. Some SWS-II skippers joked that as it was a Ker31 emanating from Ireland, it was no surprise to see it in the wrong place at the wrong time. Top Sonata skipper Sir Tom thought he had the lead but was rapidly covered by Cootie in SA, as he tried to avoid the attentions of some huge French bows driven by a Scotswoman. Not appreciating jokes about a Scotswoman, an Irish yacht and an English conspirator, Sir Tom was convinced that the shady dealings observed after the last race were coming to fruition with 2 of the leading SWS-II competitors ganging up on him. Confirmation came at the windward mark as spinnakers blossomed.

Fashionistas, who regard the SWS-II as the pinnacle of colour matching and artistic composition on the downwind legs, were aghast at the “crime colourelle” perpetrated by SA and AP. Instead of the gentle change of spinnaker spectrum colours from white to pink to blue, there appeared a jarring all over black from SA. Said fashionistas drew some comfort from the fact that this black aberration was soon doused in a tangle, only to re-appear complete on subsequent legs. Investigations by our SWS-II mole, the ever secretive and heavyweight “Big Dave”, revealed that post race 14 deals were done by SA to obtain the loan of a go faster spinnaker, in return for a very large cheque recently liberated from Devon County Council, which was observed being handed over to the man with 3 names, skipper of AP.

Such dark and devious dealings seem to have become the norm now within the SWS-II, and the race organisers have set up a special organisation to police and curb such practices. All skippers henceforth are required to attend post race de-briefings and protest hearings immediately on their return to shore in the upper areas of TQ5 8AR. This requirement is now made mandatory within the rules for SWS-II and is designed to maximise profits to the governing body, plus that of the not inconsiderable sized “Mr Bond” and his team of drink dispensing acolytes.