Orcas Ate my Yacht!

The full damage to Simply Alto’s rudder was finally revealed as a team of diverse inspected her stern glands in Brixham Harbour yesterday. A distraught Chris (Cootie) Coote pronounced that his bid for the World Sonata title was all but over. “But for a miracle the damage will not be repairable this year as parts have to be flown in from specialist suppliers in Oz” - and they are all watching cicket. Cootie is said to be totally distraught and inconsolable after the attack and had to be help ashore by race officers and Series officials – too emotional to attend the obligatory press conference.

A vicious pod of young tearaway dolphins broke off from normal frolicking and “tore into the Alto rudder smashing great chunks of antifoul, teak and steel in a frenzied, wild, unprovoked attack” said one of the more erudite of the Alto crew. “ I never saw nothing like it” said another and yet third chirped in “ I was stunned by the sheer beauty of these magnificent creatures of the deep” – she was last seen been lead away somewhere quiet and was probably put down…….pure speculation….but you heard it here first.

Not since the Fairy Swordfish attack against the massively armoured battleship Bismarck in WW1 has such damage been wrought by such evil cunning.

Anyone recognising this photo fit photo of the ringleader is asked to contact Sonata HQ in Geneva pronto. Code name Operation A Dolph. He appears to show no remorse and was actually caught laughing when this was taken by proposes, Ratzi. This fish must be (in) court quick!

BB is in Cannes getting a tan “I’m a vegetablist and tree hugger so natural e mont I am on le side of la fish.” Bridget is understood to be quite mad and Garlic – but not by this rag – as she is an naturalist, leather clad icon in her ome country…France

BB, the Sonata, is a different kettle of fish. St Tom expressed sadness that his great rival was out of the series. With his trade mark twinkle he said to me “it could not have happened to a nicer chap….”

Man with 3 manes, tightlipedasever said “”.

Cootie, whose life’s work is making nuclear fission safe was last seen rushing around Brixham with a small piece of broken stainless in his grubby red dungarees looking for anyone to ‘botch it up for the next race’ Alf and S Aftey are keeping an eye on this as are World Series officials who are said to be concerned the rules are being bent because of the vast wads of folding stuff being trousered in the small Riviera town…..you heard it here first……

Trawler owners around the world have pledged to rid the seas of ‘the scourge of fish’ if they are allowed to by their national governments.

Brixham parish leader, B Leyland (sic), told me “what with the demise of the candy floss, post card, and charity shop industries the only thing holding the local economy together are parking fines and the Sonata World Series – loose that and NCPs take 95% of the GBrixhamP.”

BEAKING NEWS STOP MIRACLES DO HAPPEN STOP ALTO RUDDER FIXED STOP SHIPPED SOONEST STOP STREET DANCING STOP DOORSTOP SEND MORE CASH STOP..

Stop it. Ed.

Your Snotty Reporter…..sonatadate 12july2009